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family of rape victim

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Forgiveness After Rape

I know that I have written in the past about forgiveness after rape. I wrote mostly regarding forgiving the rapist. I know that many people were shocked when I said I forgave the rapist. What I meant was I forgave the rapist and not the action he did. There is a very big difference.

By holding on to hate, I was not hurting the rapist at all, just myself. Hate makes you sick, it keeps memories alive. For me forgiving the rapist was a way of saying " ok there is this very sick and twisted individual who committed a horrendous act, and act that I can do nothing about anymore, I did my best."

I look at the rapist in two conflicting ways, a less than human way and and humane way. The less than human way allows me to view the rapist as being sick and not mentally right in a horrible way. The humane way is sick people make mistakes and "let he who has no sin cast the first stone." Depending on the days I was having I would look at the rapist in one of these ways.

This post was not intended to rehash any previous posts about forgiving the rapist. However, since so many struggle with it, I thought it needed to be said. The purpose of this post was to forgive others that were in some way associated with the rape.

I am speaking of family, friends, officials involved etc. The fact that I looked at the rapist as a sick person made it more difficult for me to accept those whom I did not consider sick who were not the best support.

I have written hateful words about my family especially. It is true all that I wrote and it is true that they were not the best support. However, I would like to address how I feel about their actions now, outside the whirling mix of emotions.

Some of their actions downright shocked me yet others I can understand now. After the rape, I felt I would get more support from The Rock then from my family. Throughout tough times with my family that was a logical and correct choice and I do not regret it.

However, at the times I wrote the posts about the pain my family caused me, I was also in a great state of mixed emotions. I can only speculate on why my family acted like they did and they did and my speculations are these:

They did not know how to handle the rape. Me going to The Rock vs. them may have caused them pain. Perhaps they were hurting and just didn't know how to express it. We have all been there in a situation where we did not know what to say or do and perhaps that was where they were at.

So I would like to publicly apologize for my words in past posts and say to my family that I forgive you and love you regardless of what happened.

Victoria Placeo

Talk to victoriaplaceo

Secondary Survivor of Rape - The Rocks Birthday

A week ago today, my Rock, the main secondary survivor of the rape, had a birthday. No one deserves a special celebration like the Rock. Those who do not know who the Rock is, he is my best friend, and basically the main person I could count on after the rape.

I am sure others thought about how I was doing, but I did not hear from many people after the rape. In fact, I heard from less people then I normally did. This is not to be about how hard it was for me, but to extol the virtues of my Rock.

He was there for every flashback, every nightmare, every legal proceeding, whatever I needed he was there. I could never imagine a person being as kind as he was and is. I often would focus on the loss of friends and family after the rape, when what I should have been doing is focusing on the Rock and his support.

The Rock obviously knows that I blog about the rape, however, I don't think he knows how many caring people read it and email me. I would like to ask a special favor.

If you do read this, and care enough to give an applaud to a great secondary survivor and person in general, please leave a comment and wish the Rock a belated birthday. It was one way I could show that I care as well as others.

You see the Rock had lost some faith in people after he saw how I was treated after the rape, and I would like to show him the other side.

I know it may seem an odd request, but if you would leave him a belated birthday wish. Thank you so much for reading.

Victoria Placeo

Talk to victoriaplaceo

Stuggles Of A Secondary Victim Of Rape

The Rock, secondary victim of rape, occasionally sends me posts, about what is going on in his head. It is hard and yet healthy for me to read these.

Friends and family of rape victims I assume have very similar problems with survivors of rape. So I publish what The Rock sends me with the hope it helps others. Here is the most recent post from The Rock:

Talk to victoriaplaceo

The Rock Secondary Survivor Of Rape

The Rock blogged this on RASA Survivors it is a great entry from a secondary victim of rape or sexual assault...........

What does one do when someone they know is raped? I had no clue. It first came out from Victoria that she was hurt the night before we were to get together. I knew she was a pretty tough person, so I casually expressed my concern and hoped that she would be feeling better soon. It was a little while (15 minutes or so) later that we spoke again and she said she was “hurt” it dawned on me that something more than her being hurt had happened. I finally asked, hoping that I wouldn’t get the answer, if she had been raped.

That word, at once simple and violent had come to light. What does one do? The biggest thing that I have found was that her safety and security was shattered. Trying to provide that was my first focus. Providing a safe haven for your loved one, I believe, is paramount. We, as secondary survivors, don’t really need to “do” anything but be around. Even if it is just on the periphery, we are the touchstone that survivors need.

-The Rock

A book is being written for friends, family, and secondary survivors of rape, I will keep you posted.

The Rock and others can be found at

Victoria Placeo

Talk to victoriaplaceo